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Saturday, April 2, 2011

...addicted...

Lent, Day 22

the pulse of the pain
driving and pounding
over and over 
memories and reality mingling
until i just can't remember
until i just don't want to
anymore


this is wrong
i know it and so do you
but you don't have to live here
you can look away and forget
you get to go home and smile
...it hurts being me
so much
everything i know
ripped away and thrown out
the Lord giveth and taketh away
and i am the one who has to deal
but i just can't this time
because this time, it hurts so deeply
i hate Him now
so judge as you must
go ahead and think i am a failure
i don't care about you anymore
ok, i do...but not enough to let go
because i know that if i let the lie win
eventually, it won't matter
not anymore

The fog of denial is thick, penetrating and surreal...  Blotting out the reality of the pain thru the blissful ignorance of what was but is no longer, the one who drowns gives in to the wave of numbing relief...even as they give over the reality of their life.  The worries that were just knocking fade away to mingle with yesterday and it just doesn't matter. 
At least...for the one under the fray.

One of the hardest things I have ever done in my life is stand on this end of the flood and watch someone I love surrender to the undertow...not just because it hurts but also because I was once the one who was choosing to drown.  Today, my heart is so heavy as I stand on the sidelines, powerless and broken...but my memory serves it well, recalling the promises of the Lord. 

It has been years since He whispered them in my ear about this friend...but I know that that is but a second to Him who reigns.  He hasn't changed and none of this was a surprise to Him as He watches her go under so I cling to Him now...
resting in what I know,
  believing in what I can't yet see,
    hoping for all that saves the one we both love
      and I sing "holy...holy...holy.  holy is the Lord God Almighty."

"In that day there will be an altar to the Lord in the heart of Egypt,
and there will be a monument to the Lord at its border. 
The Lord will strike Egypt,
and then He will bring healing, for the Egyptians will turn to the Lord,
and He will listen to their pleas and heal them."
Isaiah 19:19, 22

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad
and why there are no comments allowed,
click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0.


Looking up as always...
...bina...

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