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Monday, January 17, 2011

believe...explored

I posted at the start of this new year about the one word that I found while pondering at His feet: believe

Yeah...I was so naive then.
This past week, I found myself looking into the eyes of someone I care deeply about as tears flowed over tender cheeks.  It wasn't physical pain, nor was it a simple problem to be fixed...no, that would have been as easy one.  No, I sat there, face to face with someone who realized my imperfection...in a deeply profound way.

You see, it never occurred to me that anyone walking this planet would look at me and think "i wanna be just like her"...  It never really made sense in my head that anyone who knew the details of who I am when the world is locked outside the closed doors would think about me and hoist me to the top of the heap, as far as people go. 

For me, it never...but for her, it did.

The pain that flowed from the evidence that once upon a time, I was more immature... stumbling without a clear path... running amuck among the fences of lukewarm faith... it was a pain that rendered me speechless, grasping desperately at the hope that time could rewind to yesterday when the shadow of "real life" didn't hover behind those sweet eyes.

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Move me forward almost a week and I find myself, spread out before the Lord I profess to know...but the dark clouds of the here and now threaten to drop rain on the wishy-washy faith that doesn't know, quite yet, how to stand on its own two feet. 

The only difference is that it isn't His imperfection that leaves me hurting...but rather my own lack of clear and focused belief.

As I sat with Him tonight, going over the jottings I've scribbled down since January 1st, I discovered a path...clear and precise.  What I thought were daily meetings, separate and unconnected, proved to be straight lines pointing upward at such a fierce angle, I had no choice to but stop in awe and reverence...in simply profound worship.

He gave me the word believe...and I took it, happy to know that He cared enough to spend the effort on this clay pot.  But, quite honestly, I didn't know what to do with it - like a girl who has never gone skiing suddenly plopped into a ski outfit at the top of an expert mountain run, I have stood and thought...but haven't really gone anywhere for lack of knowledge of what to do next.   

To believe is to have faith or confidence in something... to understand something... and while I have spent a great deal of my life saying I believe in God, for the first time I am stepping up to inspect Him.  While I use a lot of words to talk about my belief in Christ and His sacrifice, for the first time I am defining for myself just who He is.  And while I have sung a million notes in praise of the Spirit I so long to be in touch with, for the first time I am learning what it means to know Him. 


For the first time, I am being real within myself and before Him...and am seeking to learn what it is that I say I know.

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In much the same way, while I know that in some ways trust seems a tarnished remnant of yesterday...a new path begins here between me and her

One with answers about what was in the attempt to lead us to what is... 

One that realizes no one is perfect, but that when one admits to their faults and their mistakes in the desire to find Truth and freedom from what used to hold them down...well, it isn't perfect, but it is beautiful. 

And because it is honest and it is real...it is a beauty that can be believed.


What about you? Is there anything in your life that you profess over and over...but if you really stop to think about it, you might see areas where you could devote yourself more to it?  A belief...or maybe a relationship you think you adore...or maybe a moral code somewhere gone awry?  Talk to me...I'd love to hear from you.

Listening to Bebo Norman's Here Goes while looking up as always...

2 comments:

Karen said...

Bina, I love how you express with honesty your feelings. Me, I tend to not be so open. I wonder if that's wrong?

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

Bina, this is beautiful.

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