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This blog will be closing soon...please come join me over at my new home-away-from-home over at http://www.binaspad.net!!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Wake Up...Still Sober

There was a moment a couple weeks back when the voice of God rang out like a tornado in my mind, leaving my heart pounding, my face flushed and my palms sweaty.  I fought like Moses for an hour, pleading with all the excuses I could reach, believe and push out from the closet of fear in my mind.

And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real until you let go completely

My mind screamed out for a safe place...a refuge that would allow me to stay hidden away, tucked in from the impending storm called vulnerability...reality...exposure.  He whispered, a rumbling low thunder against the screeching, fear-induced blasts of heat within my own heart...within my own soul.

So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

For me sobriety is a choice...a desire to see the world thru eyes unshaded...unpolluted...free from the distortion of the rabbit hole. 
But it is a choice I face each morning...with each breath...in every attack that hurls itself upon my day, changing it in a second from day to night
...to fear
...to pressure
...to choice. 
To live it is real and present...to talk about it to other people is to cut open my heart and let them in.

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

He calls to me...even as I sit here, shaking...typing. 
Whispering that there is freedom on the other end
...that to be vulnerable is to be unchained from the horror of a yesterday still locked away in a closet of past and pain. 
"Let go" floats on the breeze as "Cling tight" flashes as lightening against a blackened sky.

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no
Wake Up

So here I sit, the battle waging in my heart
...in my mind
...in my nerves as my body shakes and fears. 
What if they hate me
...judge me? 
What if I lose myself while digging thru the trunks of who I was? 
The voices are loud...sounds I haven't heard for so long, since I changed masters. 

...Wake Up...

They echo
...they bite
...they whisper
...they beckon
...they remind me of who I was and who I chose to be. 
My old chains rattle in that box...pictures of me then, they are stacked over there. 
It is all so real...so here...so much that I haven't looked at in so long.

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Can anybody understand what I am thinking? 
...going thru? 
Can anybody hear me behind the smiles and the laughter as I work to block out the crashing reality that I think I am losing my mind to the girl of my past
...of my present
...of who I am but am not anymore?
Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Does anyone else see me? 
Know me? 
Get me? 
Can I keep ahold of all I know in the effort to help someone else thru where I've been...in the hope that someone, anyone, will be able to grasp love over judgement
...purpose over obsession
...reality over the lies?
Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and

I wake up and realize I am not her anymore.
The monsters in the closet have been exposed
...lit up
I wake up and remember that the past isn't the present
...and to look back is only to remember, not to re-embrace.
I wake up to know that I am walking in the right direction because to take it out of the closet is to let it go
...throw it out
...remove its power
And I wake up to know that I am His...
...and I smile, soft and sweet...

I wake up and know that I am free
...and still sober.

**Words in green are from Kelly Clarkson's Sober
which I have added to a playlist at the bottom of the blog**

Worry not about me, friends of mine.  I am not losing it...much...yet :)
As I look forward to the time of Lent...a time of fasting, refocusing and recommitting to the One who loves and knows me well, I lay out my heart...my reality...my freeway of thoughts in order to cleanse my heart and mind.
Is it really me up there, in all that chaos? Yes...but it is also me who is calm and ready for the journey of being real.
In a month or so, I will be hosting a talk...  "The Mind of an Addict" ...at our church.  Addiction is something not discussed in church...it is shhh'd away even as it weaves its way into the lives and souls of so many within the walls of the sanctuary.
My hope is to help people understand their addict (or themselves) in order that they can find hope for themselves AND for the purpose of still loving the ones who are hurting, both themselves and those around them. 
That they would realize that while the storm rages, God is still in control. 
That they could learn how to love and help the ones that have lost their way and their sight.
...but to go here is to reopen old wounds...so the truth is that I am both the chaos and the control, but aren't we all?

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

Looking up as always...

**Photo found via Swagbucks search: Weeds Are Flowers Too**


Sara said...

I love your brave heart, Bina. God's going to use you mightiliy to help others.

Sarah@EmergingMummy said...

Beautiful and brave, Bina! Your heart and courage just overwhelms. Many blessings on you!

Jennifer @ Getting Down With Jesus said...

I'm so very proud of you, Bina, and inspired by your courage.

You make a woman want to be BRAVE. :-)

You're radiating with the light of Christ.

Karen said...

You make me proud to be your friend. God has His hand of promise on you. Many need to hear the words given to you by Him. I thank God for you. Blessings**

Diane said...

"Weeds are flowers too" love it!

Our church has a Friday nite service called Celebrate Recovery. It is a blessing to those that need friends to be with loving them.

Great post! :O)

Kelly said...

Though for very different reasons, and for different demons, I have felt that way. Often. It's hard to keep the demons from our past at bay, and remember the promises of God in the present. You are going to be such a blessing to the people that hear you speak. I know that God will use you to change lives. Because He uses everything for His glory, and boy does He have a tool in you. :)

Love you, and praying for you always,

Bina said...

...and you beautiful ladies all made my night. Thank you for your hearts, your friendship and your willingness to love my craziness :)


alicia said...

I want to wrap my arms around you and give you a giant bear hug... I agree with every comment above- you are BRAVE, you are AMAZING, you are a TESTIMONY to HIM. Praying for you as you help others struggling with addiction and praying for those who want to, or need to join your discussion.


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