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This blog will be closing soon...please come join me over at my new home-away-from-home over at http://www.binaspad.net!!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I Am Beautifully Broken


It is the one feeling that can keep us tied to the past...to horrible habits...chained down to a master who is wholly satisfied with our inability to see hope from the bottom of the hole that we have settled into.We all have things in our lives that we think back on that cause our faces to flush instantly. 

I know there are quite a few "rabbits" that I have been chasing around in my mind only to wind up smack in the middle of my past self's realities....  Suddenly, my heart is racing, my face is hot and I am literally looking around to ensure that the other people nearby weren't able to watch the movie that just played out in my mind...that no one else knows what it was that I did before I became the me they now know.  Then the voices come in - I can hear their heels in the halls of my heart as they make their way to parts of my mind that are vulnerable...to the sections of me that will believe the lies they bring when they scream them out at me.

"Stop trying to fight it. You know that you are still that person. Just give in and go back."

"If people knew what you did, they would never like you."

"If your friends had any clue how messed up you were before the you they know now...you would be all alone."

"It's your body. Do with it what you want to."

"You deserve the right to be who you want to be.  Why spend so much time fighting what feels natural to you?"

"There is no way that God can love you with all that in your past."

The reality of it all?  I am an addict.  I lived as one, locked in the closet of denial and shame for many, many years.  Then one day, God gave me a choice: out myself and my lies to everyone around me...or He would.  I chose to do it myself because, well, I suffer from control addiction above all else!!  From the moment that He allowed His holiness to hover in front of me while asking me to walk a blameless path, I began to struggle with those voices in ways that words can barely describe...but shame was the thing that kept its hands on my throat and its heart beating for mine.

It took me 2 years to actually get clean...but praise to the Lord, He saved me from that pitfall and I have many years behind me without the use of chemicals to get me thru.  I stopped counting time awhile ago as I found that THAT was an entry way to my enemy's tactics...trying to trip me up with how long I have been on the straight & narrow...and just how quickly he could help take it all away from me.  I had a wise woman listen to my story and tell me "Stop saying you will never do it again.  THAT is what is tripping you up - as soon as you give satan a timeline, you give him the win.  Just take each moment for what it is...a moment."

So why have I shared all this?  I promise, I have a point.  Yesterday I had the chance to hang out with some great friends...and last night, after everyone was gone, I remembered their smiles, their laughter and the truth behind their eyes...and I was overcome with the reality that I could have missed out on any of them simply because of a path called "Addiction".

The one driving emotion that keeps addiction rolling is shame...and shame keeps you locked in a cycle because it reminds you how horrible you are...and how little you can do about it.  It can shatter your life into pieces.  It takes the fragile, glass bottle that is your life and starts to invade it.  Soon small spider cracks can be found and then, in one swift move, it can knock your life to the ground, breaking it into thousands of jagged shards.  I know...I have been there.

But from one cry sent upwards, those pieces can be used by the One who created them...by the One who loves your soul and cares about your life. (**Pause Playlist at bottom of page before pushing play**)

Aaron Shust has an amazing voice...and an amazing truth comes from his heart:
To God alone be the glory and praise!

I pray you will give God the chance to show you a glimpse of the artwork He can make from your life...your ups and your downs.  I can say that because as I sit here, I know the depths of my lows and the places I was headed before He reached out for MY hand.  I was at death's door, happy to let it ALL go for the thing that allowed my mind and heart to go numb from the pain of my life...barely able to think, much less able to believe that one day I could be living life, sober...and FREE.  Ernest Hemingway has a quote that really grabs my attention because of the Truth that lives within the simple words: "The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places." 

Although I will always be an addict when it comes to certain aspects of my life, I can be fully strong where I once was weak because He can use it.  You can be strong where you are broken too.  Really.

Feel free to let me know if you need help finding help off the road you are on...or if you just want prayer.

Looking up as always...


alicia said...

Isn't grace an amazing thing? God alone can grant us the grace when we take the bumpy road. His grace alone saves us. Just last week that was the topic of discussion on our local Christian radio station - past sins and how Satan is the one who tries to bring them up to make us feel inadequate. But the reality is that God has forgiven us. His grace has saved us. Thanks so much for sharing of your struggles... it only makes me love who you are even more! You are a beautiful person and you have are now living your life for HIM. Praise God!

Jessica said...

What a beautiful post. While I haven't really been addicted to much, I sure know shame. And I know sin. Thank you so much for sharing your journey.

Bina said...

Most people that I spend my time with now don't know her...the girl I was...but I praise God for the fact that He knows her so intimately and STILL He chose to perish on a cross for her. "But God shows how much He loves in the fact that while I was still ugly in sin, He laid down His life on a cross to make me as beautiful as He is."...that is my version of Romans 5:8.

It is amazing to me how dear a person can become to a person via the internet...but God has used you many times to calm my heart as it freaks out over the vulnerability He calls me to lay out. Thank you for being a blessing to me and my heart by being there for me!
Much love, my friend!

Bina said...

Hi Jessica...and welcome to my blog :) The truth is that while addiction can be a selective sin, shame affects us all. I am glad that God could use my words to touch your heart...and hope to "see" you again.
Huggles today,


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