...refocus...

Lent, Day 17

So...

I missed posting on Saturday...and I wish I had a great reason, but the reality is that I didn't know what to say.  Somewhere between Friday and Saturday, my focus and my purpose in it all seemed to fade in light of the reality of my running from God.  Funny how that happens.

The direction of this new path now in front of me, (and all subsequent running on my part) started about a week ago...

a drastic change...

a gutsy approach to an on-going battle I have been waging against myself...

a war that has been keeping me from total surrender to God. 

It isn't that big a deal, as far as "wrong doing" goes...most women I know struggle in the same area...but it eats and pokes at me because I hate it...both "it" and that I have struggled as long as I have and not found resolution.  And as I have twisted and turned against the actual reality of the situation (you know...the fact that it is, like, sin...) I have wound up getting trapped in the web of lies that were spun to do precisely what I allowed it to -

catch me up and leave me feeling helpless. 

But yesterday, in church...He whispered and prodded at a heart already gone dead to the thought of freedom and blinded to the reality that I can be saved from it: 

"Do you want to be healed??" 

(On a small side note, I find it highly unfair that He will take words I posted about and use them against me.  Highly unfair...although incredibly wise and wonderfully thought out.  On second thought...very well played, Lord.)

And so I come here today...with a fresh outlook although I admit that I am trembling...and unsure...very much afraid, because I know very much that this is a faith venture...one that knows, yet still hopes, with all that I am that:

a) He knows what He is doing 

b) that I won't blow it like I have every other time

and

c) even if I do, He can pick me up and keep me going.

from my journal...

i know You are calling me to just let go here...to surrender and find the freedom i most desire.

i also know that everything i am seeking lies at Your feet...with me bowed, humble and willing.

so

  why

     am

        i

         so

           afraid?!?!

please...

i am begging You to just help me let go...

so i can be fully Yours and no longer my own.

For more information about this celebration of Lent on the pad

and why there are no comments allowed,

click here to read the first post Lent, Day 0

Looking up as always...

...bina...