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Monday, November 15, 2010

Both Shed and Still Hidden

To the untrained eye, I am a cool customer.

I smile and I laugh...as always.

I look like I have it all together and so you think "She hasn't a care in the world." 

But what doesn't show in that smile...

              what only is seen in the depth of the eyes behind the sunglasses, purposely hidden away...

                         what lies in my soul, it eats at me...

                                   cuz threatening to pull me under is something I don't ever want to confess...

                                             or admit...

                                                       or deal with.

And so I smile...

               pushing the raging storm down behind another giggle and brilliant flash of my smile...

                              and it works because you don't think to ask me what's wrong.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She sits next to me, as she does most Sunday mornings.

A friendship of strength, having weathered the pounding of the world outside.

A friendship sharing, built on the same foundation of Truth.

A friendship of few words, as just one can send us both into tear-streaked laughter.

A friendship of trust, one of the few I know that is used for more than just what I see.

She sits...and as the congregation begins to focus on the message, she slips me a note, unknowingly being used by a Hand bigger than her own...

"Habakkuk 1 
Went over it in Sunday School.
Reminded me of you."

Flipping over to it in my Bible, I begin to read and I find myself flooding...

               spinning...

                            desperate...

                                              undone.

Her words, simple and basic to the untrained eye, were the whispers of a Greater Love...

                 ...Who sees the storm buried deep

                             ...and begs me out, here and now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What I don't wear on my t-shirt or put as my facebook status...

       what I carry and battle within is that sometimes,

                  when the world is shut down and I am alone...

I doubt. 

Sometimes I need answers and discover only more questions popping up.

Sometimes I scream out to be heard and find only my echos bouncing back. 

              And it hurts.

                            It bites and scratches.

                                           It leaves me broken and crying tears I won't show.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh God, how long do I have to cry out for help before You listen?
How many times do I have to yell, "Help! Murder! Police!" before You come to the rescue? 
Why do You force me to look at evil, stare trouble in the face day after day?
Anarchy and violence break out,
quarrels and fights all over the place. 
Law and order fall to pieces.
Justice is a joke.
The wicked have the righteous hamstrung and stand justice on its head.

It is here that I am undone and the tears build up in my eyes while I try to blink them away.

It is only this far in a chapter of a rarely-ever read portion of scripture before Truth is revealed.

The world spins and my mask falls away before the feet of my Maker...my Pursuer...and my Friend.

Barely breathing, I whisper Stop, but He pushes on as He knows He has my attention

                 ...real

                             ...alive

                                          ...fixated due to the pain now bared.

Look!
Watch and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe
even if you were told.

And for a moment, as the church and the congregation fade from my reality, I break and allow myself to admit that I am not ok...that "this" pain that I hide inside me due to circumstances that aren't fair is not ok...and neither is His apparent silence. 

But, now that it is out there...

         and now that He has told me He sees and isn't yet finished working here...
 
                 and in the face of finally feeling seen and known,
                 I find myself willing to agree with this forthright prophet of old:

I'll wait to see what God says,
how he'll answer my complaint.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sunglasses, they block truth in my eyes from you.


                 The smile, it blinds your eyes from the reality.


                               The laughter, it lies to your ears and says "she's ok".


                                                   ...because your eyes are untrained.


But to the trained eye of my Maker,

             ...to the passionate heart of my Pursuer,

                                  ...to the connection of my Best Friend, 

they do nothing but scream out,

              ...radiating my cry to Heaven's ears

                                  ...causing a scarred hand to reach out and collect the tears,

                                                 both shed and still hidden.

                                                               And it is here, that I wait.
Waiting, while looking up as always...

4 comments:

Diane said...

Your heart as always on your sleeve. My favorite of all time is Habakkuk 4. :O)

alicia said...

I love you. I love your friend too.
This verse was so what I needed so much myself. I know it can't be though, because it is YOURS, and you needed it. :)

Cherie Hill said...

Wow sister . . . what a powerful post . . . I believe it could have come out of the book of Psalms. When you choose faith, you choose to live with more questions than answers and doubt is an uninvited guest . . . showing up at the most inopportune moments. The questions keep us coming back to the throne of grace-right where God wants us. Your pain is not without purpose, God's promises assure us of that . . . your questions will one day be answered . . . we're assured of that too. What God wants us to see in this journey is that it is not about the details, it's about the destination . . . He's more concerned about who you're becoming along the way. You can be sure of one thing: God is always at work . . . and His purposes are for good. Ask Him to reveal to you what He's trying to accomplish . . . trust Him to answer.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Cherie

steph said...

Feel so special that God used me to speak to you. Pretty cool how that happens. Hugs! :)

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