a simple breath

i don't know how i got here...especially when the "there" i've known for the last few weeks is still visible in my rearview mirror.  the peace and the joy still float on the airwaves thru the cascading blue and white of the clear sky and i reach out to grasp what was only to hit a flat surface...a cold mirror reflecting what isn't here now.

the sky is dark and it rumbles loud, full of threats to unleash all that i don't want to admit...all that i don't want to look at...all that is.  the truth is there in the sky and yet i find my heart regretting the transition...my mind rethinking the turn into this reality.  "there" was just companionship and joy...open-hearted acceptance of power and rescue from what was into a new normal. 

it fit fine...so why this shift, Lord?

i know...i know.

i can sense You in the wind.  as i squat into the earth, Your smell rises up from grass, fragrant with the desire for the rain that washes "there" away with a single drop.  Your will pierces the darkness with jagged light as Your heart screams out, the sound dripping its way down the mountains into this valley. 

i know.

and so i raise my voice and whisper "holy"...but the word cuts my heart like a blade.  i tip my head back to give way to the shower that's cold as ice, each drop ripping off the mask that i didn't want removed.

and so i raise my hands and say "holy"...the cut slashing me again, breaking free tears that flow to mingle with the salt-free flood.  my weak legs burn, knocking me to my knees before the glory i forgot to give credit to.

and so i fall on my face and scream out "holy, holy, holy"...each word punctuated with my sobs and heartache, completely laid open in the vulnerability of the rushing storm.

i know.

You.

i know You.

the memory washes me warm in place of the chill, forcing me from my face to my back.  the storm, still raging cold, now is pushed away for a vision of tomorrow...the valley, once a disappointment, now blooms new...the pain, once my feared enemy, now shows itself useful in the palm of Your hand.

and so, as Your hand pulls back my glimpse of what will be and i return into the wet and maskless realities of what is, i take a simple breath and whisper "Holy, Holy, Holy is He".


Looking up as always...