But Even Then

s much as I love books (...and I do...), I have to say that I love music even more.  I love how, if you let it, it can sweep you up and out of the places where you exist and into the world where the notes soar and dip as if on the current of a calm, fall breeze.  For about four minutes, you get to float on the edges of soloist's ebb and flow and, if the song is done properly, you can find yourself wherever the artists takes him/herself...along on the trip, unknowingly invited onboard for the ride.

And then there are the moments when a song makes me crinkle my forehead.  The music is laid out in such a way that I want to fly, but I hear something in the lyric that cause me to fight the urge to take flight in order to really hear.  I know that to really connect with what is being laid out, I have to keep my two feet on the ground and tune my ears in to the voice that betrays the singer's desire to run away with the tune.

This is one such song...and after I listened to the music, watched the video and then googled the lyrics, I found myself oddly relating. 

Keep You by Sugarland
We said goodbye. Tried a hand at magic.
But we couldn't make us disappear.
Not a day goes by I don't wish I had you.
So in a way, I'm glad you're still here.
It's a bitter sweet victory.
Lovin' the ghost in front of me.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me?

I wrote a couple of notes.
One in love, one in anger.
They're lying there dying in the dresser drawer.
Lived louder than my voice. Struggled through a stranger.
He loved me until I loved you even more.
It's a bitter sweet victory.
Knowin' someone else wanted me.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
You get used to the pain, and numb to the sting
Till you can't feel anything.

You tried to explain, but I couldn't hear it.
As if your words were my tears.
Flowing freely, warm and quiet.
From the edges of my eyes in my ears.
Then all that disappears.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me?

I suppose that you could take these lyrics to mean anything.  Obviously she is singing to someone she loves, but loves in such a way that it hurts to love...or be loved back?  Inner turmoil causes questions to raise about the place that she finds herself as she is still with the one she pledged herself to, but finds herself wrestling with the ghost of the one that she had to let go of in order to be there. 

I am guessing that he knows...the war that rages in her heart is visible to his eyes...and yet, in my mind, he still looks upon her with longing and a gentle willingness to pick up and try again...with a passionate gaze that betrays his still-there love and it knocks her to her core as she remembers that she has not yet relinquished the memories of yesterday...that she is unworthy of this that he places before her.

I could be totally off base with where I took this - pushing my own inner thoughts onto the words...but isn't that what such a cryptic song leads us to?  Having to guess the purpose of the words?  For me, having listened, watch and read...I hear this song and I see my own dance with my Father above.  His words always echo all around me...and there are days I can take it on with a broad smile and a joyful heart.  But sadly there are also the days that I get too busy to stop and pay attention to the look that longs for my returned gaze.

And then...there are the days when the voices of my past echo around me and the ghost becomes the focus even while the One, who loves me despite my dalliances with His archenemy, looks on.  I want Him to stay, but His look pains me in the places in the far back corners of my heart...in the places that I know I have not yet given over but have worked to numb myself to.  It is too much...too good...too wonderful for me, a woman who is fallen and guilty.

But even then...I am thankful that He never gives up on love. 

I am overjoyed that He remains faithful to His people even when we allow our eyes to wander to a place that holds no love for Him...or for us. 

I am in thankful awe that He pursues me to the depths of my own heart, confident that His love is enough to win me over.

I love Him...I just can't help myself.

*this song is added to the playlist below*

Listening to Sugarland's Keep You while looking up as always...