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Friday, September 18, 2009

"Be Strong & Take Heart"

I should be sleeping...but the chill of pain touched my heart as I laid in the warm safe space called my bed.  A flash of light in the shadowed room brought my mind back to my Lord and His heart...and as I left the security of my husband's embrace in order to answer the call of the Lover of my soul, I felt my spirit rise up and around the stabbing beat of my heart. 

It was funny when I walked into the darkened family room.  I fully expected to turn on the lamp to find a Man sitting on my couch, awaiting my entry. 

Really. 

I could actually see His tapered haircut and the smooth outline of His face as clearly as I could bring to memory the details of my own dad's smile and eyes.  It was if I were in a dream...stepping from the reality of knowing He is fully intangible to me only to find Him physically sitting on my couch, arms open and tears flowing for the brokenness that is mine.

I believed it enough that my emotions were split into two halves the moment my hand met the plastic switch cover...  I was half excited to chase the shadows from the room knowing that I would find Him here, quietly waiting...but I was also half petrified to think that I might find a stranger awaiting me in a darkened section of my home in the middle of the night. 

And then, as the electricity flowed thru the lamp, I found myself shrouded in disappointment to find an empty couch...I didn't realize how much I really expected His eyes until they weren't there to penetrate my own until my soul bowed under His glorious gaze. 

It sounds stupid maybe...a full-grown woman, getting up in the middle of the night because she believes that God would be sitting her family room, waiting to hold her and wipe her tears.  I can appreciate you reading this and wondering "Is she ok?" and possibly shaking your head to think "Ya.  God in your living room.  Riiiight."

Honestly I am ok...on one level I am hurting horribly, BUT I am also 100% at peace with God's use of this page in my life's story as I know His glory will shine...and it shines already in the fact that I am learning to "be still and know" when I would usually work to control the universe. 

But as I sit here, all I really know is that He isn't sitting on my couch...but He is most definately in this room, pulling away the voices that would pull my heart down into the pit of hopeless sorrow rather than up into the One who calls me to peace-filled trust...
"Though my father and my mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
Teach me Your way, O Lord;
lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors.
Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me, breathing out violence.
I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Ps 27:10-14
Listening to Cadia's I'll Stay while looking up as always...
~Bina~

2 comments:

steph said...

He IS with you and that is heart warming and not strange. The hope of wanting Him physically there with you. You ARE ok and His light is in you even though it may be dark. Hugs!

alicia said...

I agree whole heartedly with Steph. That is a natural faith desire to want to be able to be in the physical presence of your Father. And the beauty of that is that we are. I do completley understand your desire though for Him to be there to feel His arms around you and to see you. Sorry for taking this much space, but I love this song and wanted to share the lyrics with you. Some days my heart does just ache so much to be with Him, we do feel homesick knowing that our eternal home is the destination.

"Homesick" by Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

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