*** FYI ***

This blog will be closing soon...please come join me over at my new home-away-from-home over at http://www.binaspad.net!!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Why I Bother...

Life has gotten crazy for me on this end of the screen...and I honestly thought that maybe I should just shut this blog down. Walk away and just let it go because the time it requires for me to sit and think seem too much on some days. But then...just now...I realized why I can't do that.

I have been in church since before I was blessed with memories...born and bred a regular church goer, there isn't much about the Bible that shocks me.  I memorized the 10 Commandments before I even knew what it meant to lust or just how horrible murder truly was.  I could rehearse John 3:16 backwards for you, because forwards got boring after so many years...and there wasn't a hymn I didn't sing to myself in the bathtub.  I like going to church, being a part of a like-minded group, and enjoying the ability to worship as one unit for that hour each week.

That being said, it isn't any easier for me to grasp the depth of what it is that God calls us to on a daily basis than it is for a person brand new to His ways.   I struggle...and I question...and I wonder...and I lose sight of the path, more often than I'd care to admit.

"You promised to always be with me...so why can't I find You??"

Loving fully, opening sincerely, welcoming whole-heartedly, and risking it all, over and over, in the face of possible rejection and/or betrayal from those around us???  I will be honest that it is a goal I pray towards, but is often the very stumbling block that drops me to my knees when the cold water of reality gets dumped over my head: sometimes God allows the pain and the hurt, even when it doesn't make sense to me. 

"You said to put myself out there...
and I did...
and then You let this happen??"

I know I am not alone in feeling as I do about things
...which is why I lay it out here, over and over, on a public blog. 

 "You gave me a passion to do this...so why is that I can't do what it is that I long to do??"

I know that I sometimes say what some of you think
...which is why, when here, I don't hold back in what I'm feeling.

"All I want, more than anything, is to just be Yours...
free from my past...
so why can't I get out from under this heavy weight??"

I also know you might be able to find a road to healing
...which is why I love God so very much and keep trying,
even when I don't get it.

"How is it that I can find You in the midst of all this chaos??"

I don't eeeeven pretend to believe that I have all the answers the world needs...nor do I think that I hold the corner market in reaching out to others in His name...but I do know that when I come and pour out my heart for you to read, I often find the answers that I needed too.  I do know that when I come and take off the mask that I apply so often, I find truth...that world doesn't revolve around me.  I do know that whenever I take the time to sit and focus, I always find Him. 



I have recommitted to being more regular with my posting...not for the traffic or even, quite honestly, for you (...even tho I truly love y'all more than my luggage...), but because when I stay faithful here...I tend to stay more faithful to Him...and me...and the path that I most desire to follow.

And that is why I bother...

Looking forward down the path all while keeping my heart looking up, as always...


Amy DeTrempe said...

Wonderful post. I've wanted to walk away and I've questioned. Yet, faith is what brings me back from any sidepaths of doubt of questioning that I stumble down.

Jennifer @ Getting Down With Jesus said...

I know this here, this pouring-out-of-a-heart for readers, only to find that in the writing, you discovered the very answers for which your own soul hungered. Yes, this ...

Love to you.

P.S. -- I'm so glad you're stick with it, Bina. What you write matters.

K.B. said...

I love reading your post, it keeps me in touch tho I'm hundreds of miles away. Besides, writing is PART of who you are, part of how God made you to be.


alicia said...

How very true this is! I completely understand where you are coming from. Blogging for Him makes me dwell on Him, it holds me accountable. And yes, sometimes, we are so blessed to have learned that the words God gives us to write, even though they feel so deep and personal and ours alone, are the same feelings of another. And they are blessed by that.

I love you much, continue to pour out your heart dear friend. :)

Sara said...

I get it, Bina...and it is an encouragement of epic proportions that I am not alone in how I often feel...Love you so much, sweet Cali girl :)

David Rupert said...

Great honest questions. Introspection. Sincerity.

All marks of a great blogger. Keep going

Karen said...

Bina, your heart is right where it should be, in the hand of God. "Whatever you do, do it for the glory of God."

Have a wonderful, happy Thanksgiving.


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