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Sunday, May 16, 2010

The Eye Of The Storm

~*~
You are the eye of the storm.
The storm wouldn't be there if you didn't exist.
~*~

They were words on a blog screen...written by a faithful hand, surely not aware of the impact they had on my heart.  They were nothing more than a thought laid out...written from a place in the heart of a wonderfully expressive blogger buddie...Alisa ...and I have carried them in the back of my mind every day since.

I'm not new to the walk of a Christian...nor am I naive to the lack of "ease" that comes in following the path God has laid in front of me. 

I have had my world explode more than once, leaving me standing in the center of mortar shells and dead bodies, wondering who shot first and numb to the fact that I may have been hit in the battle.  I have held my heart in my hands, watching it sputter and gasp for air as each tender beat rips my chest anew. 

I have had the wind knocked from my lungs, both literally and figuratively, and have known the desperation that comes in the desire for just a simple breath.  I have laid more than one Isaac down, poising the knife in the air as every fiber in my body pulsed with the hope that He would call out and say "Don't do anything because now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me this thing." 

All this...and yet it never fails that just around the corner can come a sucker punch so powerful that I will fall to my knees, broken in a way that makes me forget every time before.

All this...and yet it never ceases to amaze me how vulnerability leaves me open to pain in a way that I cannot comprehend until the sword is thrust in from behind, leaving me as shocked as I am hurting.

All this...and yet when I find the storm raging afresh...the tornado raging, circling all around...the enemy's battle cry raising against my own screams, drowning out my heart and my tears...

it.

just.

hurts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Today, I sat on my childrens' swing...numbly moving myself back and forth, in and out...toes in the dirt, vacant in action as I poured out my soul in broken tears.  The questions poured out of my heart, lifted up in sobs from a voice lost to the pain:


Does she know what she's done?
Does this need to happen?
Does this pain in my heart result in Your glory?
Does she even care?
Do You have any idea how badly this hurts?
Do You even remember me?
Do You know how this is killing me?
Do You see me now?
Will You use this?
Will You heal her?
Will You heal me?
Will You hold me, O God, please, will You hold me?!?

But in the midst of the chaos and the sobs, I hear it play again:

~*~
You are the eye of the storm.
The storm wouldn't be there if you didn't exist.
~*~

...only this time it is followed up with the words of His own heart, as He prepared to feel the stabbing pain of betrayal yet to come... as He was about to be knocked to His knees in pain so deep that His forehead would break out with sweat made of His own blood...  as He would lay on the ground, pleading with His own heart to find another path, another way, another plan...and as He would still, in the face of it all, accept the blow for the glory of His Father:

Now...my heart is troubled within Me.
So.
What shall I say?
"Father, save me from this hour"????
NO!
For it was for this very reason that I came!
No...
"Father...glorify Your name!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hours have passed since the swing.

My eyes aren't swollen anymore and the wound, while still tender and fresh, is mending...wrapped in the loving hands of an expert Physician.  Forgiveness has already been given...and love already does its work as I seek to find His hand, even in the carnage left on the field around me.

Why?

Because I know that if I wasn't His, this storm would have no point.

Because I know that if I wasn't His, this wouldn't hurt like it does.

Because I know that if I wasn't His, the pain wouldn't have the same impact or purpose.

Because I know...that this moment, as many others, was meant for me...made for me...allowed for me...granted onto me...entrusted to me...established for me...this moment is mine, to do with as I will because He trusts me to turn and bow to His will, despite the impact of the searing pain.

And so I lay it down, without getting it or understanding the reasons why, and I know that my strength will come with the light of a new morning...and in the chance to draw ever closer to the One who knows all that I don't.

What are your storms?
Where can you apply the truth that whatever rages around you, you are not outside the control and hand of the Lord?
How, dear friends, can I pray for you?

Listening to Take No Glory's "This Christmas Time" while looking up as always...

8 comments:

Wendy Paine Miller said...

Bina,
Wow, when I read that line about having the wind knocked out of you I almost fell over. I was praying recently and telling God that is exactly how I felt and He reminded me of all the times in my life that's happened and how He helped get me back on my feet.

Beautiful post.
~ Wendy

Diane said...

He uses all things for His glory. Even thinking about my mom's death recently, made me think about "His perfect will". Somehow these things that happen are in His watchful eye, just like the eye of your storm. Love you girl! :O)

alicia said...

"Becausae I know that this moment...was meant for me...to do with as I will because He trusts me"
That is the line that I feel I play over in my head whenever trouble arises. He trusts me. He is allowing me the chance to grow in Him through this.

This was a beautiful post,
Love you so much my dear friend!

Karen said...

I'm really speechless. Your words speak what many hearts feel, yet can't say. God is my strong tower for each storm that has come my way, even of my own doing. Blessings**

S. Etole said...

journeyed her via Claire ... I'd like to return

Irritable Mother said...

Bina, I came here for another reason, but before I get to it may I just say how glad I am that your eyes are fixed upon HIM. Yes! He will carry you through the storm. Using it for your good and His glory. Amen!

Now, the reason for my visit...Though I have never met you, I thought of you today. Read your comment on Outnumbered Momma's post about drawing a line in the sand, and when my son called out this afternoon, "Do you know where the shovel is?" I thought of you as I answered, "I know where it should be!" And then I smiled. *grin*

May the peace of Christ rest upon you today.

Much love,
Karen

Sara said...

Bina, this SO blessed my heart today as I am struggling more in my walk and as a result in so many areas of my life than I have in quite some time ...it feels as if I have lost my ability (willingness?) to look to Him. Why? I'm not sure..because I'm feel like a wretch? because I don't deserve His love? I'm embarrassed and ashamed that my heart has grown so cold? But then that's the whole problem isn't it? It's not about me. It's about how He LOVES and is in control of all my situations...
Love you, Bina

Cherie Hill said...

What an amazing post sister...you have given me a lot to think about...a lot to pray about...a lot to praise God about. You've driven my faith deeper!
With joy,
Cherie

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