Oh The Pain

It started out like any other afternoon.

I left home around 2pm, collected my kiddos from their schools and we all returned to pile into the house.

Backpacks and shoes strewn across the house as they all congregated in the kitchen to pillage for snacks.

I went to the computer to look for a reply to an email I had sent before leaving...and then it happened.

My stomach turned upside down and my vision got funny.  First the spots, then the jagged lightening bolts that shot across the full line of sight...and then the pain.  Oh the pain.

Migraines.  The gift that makes you wish you had been overlooked on today's hand out.

What makes it all the MORE fun is that yesterday the Chargers played the Broncos...which means the hubby (who bleeds blue and orange) was out for the evening with the guys (who bleed lightening bolts)...which means I was on my own...solo parenting for the night.

I am the first to admit that I am not going to win any "Mother of the Year" awards because they ate Mac-N-Cheese for dinner with sliced apples...and then I bribed them.

Yes.  It is sad to have to admit to...but I did. 

TV and computer are powerful tools as they are things normally off limits until the weekends.  ANYthing to get them sitting down (instead of running thru the house), quiet (instead of screaming, laughing and fighting) and content (instead of coming to me every 5 minutes to ramble of the list of mom-can-I's) until bedtime (which comes at 9 pm and seemed so far away at 6...).

I stood in the kitchen, using the typical I-have-a-massive-headache stance, and pleaded with the five Are-We-In-Trouble faces that stared back at me in the barely lit room.  I flat out said "I feel like I am dying.  So if you people will get your chores done and get into your PJ's... If you people will promise me that you will just SIT and be QUIET...I will bribe you with TV and computer. Why? Because me asking you to be quiet is getting me nowhere and I know that you will listen to this.  So...?"

You would not believe how quickly they ran from the room (as quietly as a herd of happy children can go). And you may or may not believe that my heart actually hurt a little as I really wondered what it was that I have done as a mom to these children that not a single one saw my stance, heard my pain-filled tone of voice and heard my plea for peace and responded to me. 

I mean, don't get me wrong - they are kids and I know that they only see what is right in front of them...but as they all left me alone in the kitchen, my heart got a little sad at the fact not even a "Aw, poor mommy" look crossed their "We get to watch TV!!" faces.

But then, as I turned to fill the mac-n-cheese pan with water, a soft voice whispered in thru the doorway. "Mama?  You know, I was just thinking that I won't watch TV or play computer tonight.  You shouldn't have to bribe us to treat you good when you are hurting...so I am not going to do that.  I will still be quiet, but I don't feel right taking something for doing what we should just do cuz we love you."

You may or may not believe the amount of love that filled my heart at those simple words...the sweet plea of twelve year old wisdom...the soft whisper of loving realization.  I immediately reassured her that it was ok for her to partake in the fun...that it wasn't wrong to enjoy herself as I had offered it to her freely...but that I appreciated her coming back to tell me so very much.

Today, now that I am feeling better thanks to a great night sleep (praise You, Lord, for that!!) I realize the profound wisdom in her simple words last night. 

How often do I say to God "When You do this, I will do what I know I should...but You have to move first."

How often does my attitude reflect my need to be bribed to do as I should with Him? 

How often do I wait for Him to move before I remember Him...before I spend time with Him...before I bow my heart in reverent worship?

And then, when He moves in a way that leaves me breathless...when He acts on my behalf when I am so undeserving...how often do I find myself standing in the doorway saying
"I can't accept Your goodness to me.  I should have done my part from the beginning...I should have never doubted You.  I should have shown up to meet with You because I love You...not because You had to give me something nice to get my attention"
...only to hear His sweet reply "I gave You what I did because I love you...because I wanted you to have it.  It was a gift and it was freely given on My part BUT I appreciate that you have realized the changes you need to make...and it touches My heart that you have come to let Me know."

What a mighty God we serve...I love that He loves us enough to not let us stay where we are!

Listening to a quiet morning while looking up as always...