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This blog will be closing soon...please come join me over at my new home-away-from-home over at http://www.binaspad.net!!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Jiminey Cricket!!

"Our Lord never takes measures to make me do what He wants.  Sometimes I wish God would master and control me to make me do what He wants, but He will not.  And at other times I wish He would leave me alone, and He does not."
~ Oswald Chambers ~

After reading from My Utmost for His Highest and then Wendy's post for today over at All In A Day's Thought, I sat down to ponder the real me...and I find myself pouring over the person that I am on the inside verses the one that is displayed to the world. 

Last night my husband and I were talking and at one point the age old issue of "...yeah, but WHY do I have to be this person??  Why can't I just be the person who doesn't CARE about what everyone else gets...why can't I just be the person who only cares about me??" came up.  As the questions poured out, I caught myself looking upwards and smiling as the questions aren't new...to me, to my husband or to the One who made us all just as we are.

I am a stuffer by nature...my main motto being: Why deal with what hits me today when I can put it in a bag to not deal with tomorrow either? 

One of the things that can be hard to take on are the battles that wage within me as I work to become the person He made me to be...and for me, it is being the person with a heart that cares so deeply that it can knock me to my knees.  Sometimes I have to watch someone I love make the choice to hurt themselves... sometimes I have to watch someone walk away from God's call... and sometimes I have to stand in the face of undeserved hostility and anger.  Doesn't matter what the situation because the results are the same.  I take on their pain and their needs...and I hate it.

I have actually prayed many, many times for God to just let me hate the ones who repeatedly hurt themselves, the ones I love or me.  That He would just let me go just enough so that I can just hate...because I know that in hate, I can find a way to shut off the pain that surrounds my heart.  And if I can shut off the pain, then I can not care...and in not caring, I won't hurt anymore.  And I cry out "Why did you make me this person?"  But I am reminded that to shut down to hurt, I have to go against His nature.  In not feeling, I am on a path seperated from Truth.  In hate, I can't love...and if I can't love, I can't allow myself to be loved.  But in being loved, there is risk...and there is pain.  And so...the age old battle begins it cycle again.

Between the words of Mr. Chambers and Miss Wendy...today, I find comfort in the fact that I am made to be His.  I was created to give a face and a voice to a Father who loves His creation.  I was born to radiate His heart...and I know that His heart can feel as it too can be hurt and fill with tears.  Some days I beg for Him to just take over...and some days I am like Pinocchio trying to outrun Jiminy Cricket while chasing down the wrong desires.  He won't force me to be what He made me to become...but He loves me too much to leave me alone when I try to walk the path that shadows over the radiance that He placed in me.

He loves me...and He pursues me even as I pursue Him...and this life-long chase can change the questions of "Why?" into "How?":
"How can You love me this much?"
"How can I live today so that You see that I love You too?"
"How can I work to make sure that others see how much I love you???"
The battle within will rage...but I am thankful to be the daughter of the One who ultimately wins the war.

Listening to Third Day's When The Rain Comes while looking up as always...


Wendy @ All in a Day's Thought said...

I'm honored God used me in *any* way. Radiate His heart, Bina! Radiate!
~ Wendy

Bina said...

Thanks, Wendy...

Jennifer @ Getting Down With Jesus said...

Bina, Precious soul ...

I am hearing you. I feel the sting of it all, too. Oh, that ugly game of comparing... I've been there.

Bina -- The Lord rejoices over YOU with singing.

So glad to have "met" you here. Be blessed in the assurance of His love. And thank you, dear one, for reminding me of His love for me, too. You shine.

P.S. -- This song you have playing here has been so special to me lately.

Bina said...

your words to me were so gracious! You made my eyes flood up a bit...thank you for taking the time to stop by and I hope to "see" you around more often.

May He bless and hold you,

alicia said...

Trying to see the gift of being sensitive as a gift rather than a curse is definately a battle. It would be so much easier to hate, but what a lonely, lonely life that is. As you said, we are unable to be loved then. Once again dear Friend, you have phrased it perfectly. Thank you for being an awesome and caring person and I pray that you are rewarded with much love and know how loved you truly are.


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