"Our Lord never takes measures to make me do what He wants. Sometimes I wish God would master and control me to make me do what He wants, but He will not. And at other times I wish He would leave me alone, and He does not."
~ Oswald Chambers ~
After reading from My Utmost for His Highest and then Wendy's post for today over at All In A Day's Thought, I sat down to ponder the real me...and I find myself pouring over the person that I am on the inside verses the one that is displayed to the world.
Last night my husband and I were talking and at one point the age old issue of "...yeah, but WHY do I have to be this person?? Why can't I just be the person who doesn't CARE about what everyone else gets...why can't I just be the person who only cares about me??" came up. As the questions poured out, I caught myself looking upwards and smiling as the questions aren't new...to me, to my husband or to the One who made us all just as we are.
I am a stuffer by nature...my main motto being: Why deal with what hits me today when I can put it in a bag to not deal with tomorrow either?
One of the things that can be hard to take on are the battles that wage within me as I work to become the person He made me to be...and for me, it is being the person with a heart that cares so deeply that it can knock me to my knees. Sometimes I have to watch someone I love make the choice to hurt themselves... sometimes I have to watch someone walk away from God's call... and sometimes I have to stand in the face of undeserved hostility and anger. Doesn't matter what the situation because the results are the same. I take on their pain and their needs...and I hate it.
I have actually prayed many, many times for God to just let me hate the ones who repeatedly hurt themselves, the ones I love or me. That He would just let me go just enough so that I can just hate...because I know that in hate, I can find a way to shut off the pain that surrounds my heart. And if I can shut off the pain, then I can not care...and in not caring, I won't hurt anymore. And I cry out "Why did you make me this person?" But I am reminded that to shut down to hurt, I have to go against His nature. In not feeling, I am on a path seperated from Truth. In hate, I can't love...and if I can't love, I can't allow myself to be loved. But in being loved, there is risk...and there is pain. And so...the age old battle begins it cycle again.
"How can I work to make sure that others see how much I love you???"The battle within will rage...but I am thankful to be the daughter of the One who ultimately wins the war.
Listening to Third Day's When The Rain Comes while looking up as always...