Deep within me there are two girls battling it out.
One is stubborn, bitter and oh so guarded:
She hates emotions and pain...She hates to be wrong...
She hates to be challenged...
She hates herself.
The other is peaceful, determined and focused:
She accepts who she is...She realizes that she doesn't have it all together...
She wouldn't choose the challenges of life, but has learned to find God at every twist and turn...
She loves her Lord and, thru His mercy, has learned to love herself.
I know I am not alone in this fight...that I am not the only woman to have the Clash of the Titans being played out within my heart and my mind. When we are saved by His grace, we are not made over into perfect beings that never have to battle again....we are "simply" redeemed ~ washed clean by the blood of our Savior and granted the rights to be called His child.
Many people may look at other Christians and think they have it all together...that they are always smiling, that they pray perfectly and that they must walk as closely with God as the Biblical patriarchs did. But what so often avoids detection is the battle that rages within the heart of that "perfect" person. Not because she or he lies about the waged war...but because a tactical choice was made within and is being lived without.
We all have to battle to keep the "old me" at bay...
To allow the person that God loves and has empowered to be the one who is shown to those around us...
To work past the lies that keep us tied to our old thought processes and fears to the truth that frees us.
That "scared little girl" who lives within me will always be there. (I can actually hear her arguing even now as she also hates vulnerability on any level.) Like Paul's thorn of the flesh, there are going to be reminders of where I came from...and it won't always be easy to deal with. BUT each day that I get up a choice has to be made: Which girl do I let rule today?
The one who hates everything because she is scared...
or
The one that loves because grace reached down & taught her what love is?
It isn't easy...but for today, I am choosing the girl that loves ~ and in doing so, I am choosing God. Why? Because unlike the girl that is seething within me, God has never let me down.
"Answer me, Lord, out of the goodness of Your love;
in Your great mercy turn to me.
Do not hide Your face from Your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.
Come near and rescue me;
redeem me because of my foe."
Ps 69:16-18
Looking up as always...~Bina~
6 comments:
Thank you so much for sharing! I think it is so important for everyone to know that because we did give our lives to God, doesn't mean its an automatic robotic action everyday to live in peace. We do need to make that active decision. I think that is how our Father keeps us from becoming stale and complacent in our faith. Prayers your way everyday!
I find that some of the worst offenders of comparison are Christians...not content where we are, we look at those we think are further up that "ladder" and wonder why we can't have what they have. Myself included...I have done it and God has shown me the error in my ways. This blog came from my heart in a time when I am trying to BE that girl God wants me to be even as my old nature tries to sabatoge me...worth the battle, but leaves you a bit scarred and tired :)
Prayers right back at you, beautiful lady...every morning!
You described the battle so well, Bina. I am so much happier and at peace when I am living in "God". And yet there are days when I do not choose to do that. Yet, when I run back to Him, he always runs back to me. His love never changes, even though we do. Thank goodness!!!
Keep sharing... I learn much about you and about myself through your words...
Suz
Suz...
You are too good to me, but I praise Him for the love He showers on me thru your smiles and giggles. I too am oh so thankful for His never changing love...because I change enough for the both of us! :)
Luv 2 u!
Oh don't I know that battle so well. Thank you for sharing. Every time I read your blog, I feel a little less like beating myself up, and a little more like letting it go and giving it to God. Thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone. :)
Love ya girl!
I just discovered your blog and have been reading some of your posts. This one really caught my eye. I thought it was only me. I feel like Jeykell & Heyde. I feel like I am one person one day and the next day the same old person I have always been...that I have not made any progress at all. Thanks for sharing.
Chris
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