In trying to prepare for a workshop I will be leading at our church's women's retreat in October, I decided to go searching thru my old journals that I have buried out in our garage. Now...I was looking for certain entries from a particular period in my life and, after a bit of digging, I came back from the garage with what I thought to be the right book in hand. What I didn't realize as I carried the book back into the house was: it was the right book...but not by my definition. (You may not have believed me when I said it before...I am a journal fiend...so trying to go through 8 years of my life can take a lot of books to search!)
I opened the book dated from 2002 and started reading only to find myself in a face off with the girl I was back then. I would love to say that I have always appreciated where I am in life... that I was trusting who God was fashioning me to be ...that I even believed the phrase written on the front of the book I was writing in at the time(which I posted to the right)!! But the bottom line is that these just weren't always the case. I know that we all have to start somewhere when it comes to a relationship with God...and I started from a place that was angry, stubborn and oh so selfish.
"How did I get to be so horrible of a person? I would be better off alone...at least then, I wouldn't screw anyone else up."
I know God has me where He wants me and has used my journey to get me here, but hearing the voice of who I used to be was enough to bring pain to my heart and tears to my eyes. I was a 26 year old married mother of five who said all the right things on the outside while on the inside I hid the real me...a "scared little girl" (in the words of one trusted friend) who was the "definition of evasive" (from the mouth of another beloved one). Trust and faithfulness were simply words...God was nothing more than a happy thought that could help make me fly for a few minutes when I picked Him up.
I don't post all this to bad mouth the girl I was...but rather to face the truth in who He is...to remember: If God can use my past struggles to turn the border-patrolled, fearful and broken heart that was mine just 7 short years ago into one that adores Him as it does now...then who am I to fear the storm that rages or the fires that threaten to burn all around me now??
While my "This Is Your Life" tour this morning was painful on many levels, I appreciate His taking the time to show me the follow up show "...And There Is My Hand". "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
Looking up as always...