So as we were called forward to lay hands on this team, I had one hand on my husband's back while the other grabbed the hand of another member. The Pastor began to pray...and I was overcome. The emotions that burned thier way out of me flowed with such passion that I was surprised at myself. I hadn't planned to cry, but as I stood there praying over this team...over my husband...I tapped into a deep well of trembling emotion buried within my heart.
When prayer was over, I wiped my eyes and wondered if it was "ok" that I cried. As I thought about it, I found that Abraham's story leaped into my mind and made me wonder...
As he led his son up the mountain early one morning, did his thoughts betray his heart to God? His feet moved ever forward and his words seemed confident. He told his servants to wait for them to return back down...he told his son that God would be providing the sacrifice that was needed. By all estimations, he was calm, cool and collected.
I know that mask...I have done my best to wear it for the past month as we have prepared for my husband to leave on this missions trip. Don't get me wrong! I firmly believe he is to go...that God has called him and has worked to prepare the way for him to get there. I have been amazed at how He has provided financially and circumstantially...but now that the rubber is meeting the road, I find my heart full of conflicting emotions and my head full of questions...the mask of "control" is pulling back...
As Abraham got closer to the top of the mountain, did his strength waiver even for a second? Did he have to work to blink back tears that burned the back of his eyelids? Did his heart falter in its rythym at the realization that God may not provide an alternate sacrifice...that He just might mean to let Isaac die? When they had reached their destination, could he hear the Lord whispering into His heart "Do you trust me?" as his concerns screamed out of his heart towards the heavens? As he tied his only son down, did he offer words of comfort to the young boy or did he have to bite his lips in order to keep from crying out? Did he stand with the knife over his son, frozen for what seemed an eternity, hoping God would change His mind? Did he cry out for joy when the Lord's voice cried out "Wait!"??
Just so I am clear... I trust God with all my being in this and I am more than sure that there are vast differences between Abraham's challenge and mine. But as I zipped his suitcase closed tonight, I know can only pray that as I lay MY "Isaac" down, God will feel my devotion for Him more than He hears the trembling in my heart.
Looking up as always...
~Bina~
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